Ohio

One of my favourite quotes of all time…

CAT: Hear that song? I love this song. It’s one of those songs you always hear, but you never know who plays it. I’ll probably never know. I don’t want to know now. It would probably ruin the feeling. Whenever I hear this song I always feel there should be credits rolling you know? Like it’s the end of something. The end of a movie. It just brings up so much… that guitar. It’s concluding something. It’s talking. The credits are rolling over the lead actor’s dead body facedown in a gutter. The camera pans back. The rain is pouring down. And all that guitar can say is “Oh well.” “That’s Life.” “Whatever.” Every time I hear this song from now on I will remember this day and what happened and what I did. And I will remember this moment in time, right now, this exact place, the smell, everything… and the scene will freeze and the credits will roll. I never want to know who plays this song. It would ruin everything.

From Ohio By Nick Zagone..

Enjoy

Peace

Materialism?

Materialism…is that even a word? Materialisticness? How about that one? Now that I’m not sure about it… But I know I’m not either of those things, and I certainly hope I never will be.

Tonight I had a conversation with my Dad. He explained to me that things were difficult at the moment for him because he’s stuck in a job he hates because you get used to a lifestyle that bettering yourself can bring. He feels that him and his wife can’t go back down the ladder of financial well-being due to being accustom to this lifestyle. I can’t imagine how that must be. I’ve never been a person for expensive things. I think I’ve been fortunate to have learnt that happiness doesn’t come from possessions. Don’t get me wrong I’m not naive enough to think that things can’t make us happy on a small-scale. But things come and go. Things like people they tend to stick around and, fight to be in your lives for a little longer.

Personally I know that if I had a bank full of cash the first thing I’d think about would be using it for life experiences, to better myself in a more cultural and intellectual light opposed to the I’m a person with a nice house and nice car.

But you never know maybe I’ve been too quick to judge. Perhaps “Things” genuinely do make people happy? I’d like to know your thoughts… What makes you happy?

I know I’m happiest when I’m surrounded by a person I love or people I care about, people I can share a moment or a thought with.  I hate to say it but… “the best things in life are free”…appart from transport to see those people…unfortunatly!  Which leads to the point we all need money to live. But how much is too much? How much is not enough?

Just a thought…

Peace

Deactivating Facebook.

Just now I did the unthinkable… I deactivated Facebook. For a seventeen year old girl who  has had no emotional or otherwise uncommon issues with Facebook, it may seem a strange thing to have done. You may ask for my reasoning behind such an action. Perhaps it was due to the attachment I have noticed I have felt recently, I can’t go on the computer without looking at it. You often find yourself looking at people’s accounts who you don’t see regularly or people you don’t even like. So I deleted every person that I didn’t like… Then I deleted every person who I didn’t see. Then I found myself bored, Looking at a screen really containing nothing…appart from information I can get from people I see everyday.

So as of today I’m no longer a member of Facebook.

I’ll let you know how that fans out

Peace

A Savior

Do you ever just sit there thinking ? Thinking about things which you know will just make you sad. I was doing this earlier, still am but to a lesser extent.

I was thinking about Mr Lauren.. and how he agreed to see me tonight the night before last and how he seems to have many excuses to avoid coming to my house. Yes I live with some of my family but there the least nosey people alive. as long as I’m happy there happy. He is making it out to be a big deal and this makes me feel that he’s avoiding seeing me.  I’m hoping that it’s just the family thing that’s an issue for him and that he’ll overcome that soon enough.

I was sat here searching online… thinking… and I started talking via IM to my long time friend Robbie. Robbie is defiantly a character, a character much like myself to be honest, but he basically said that if I didn’t stop beating myself up about why Mr Lauren wasn’t here then he’d slap me sometimes that’s all you need. But of course along with the subtile slap he was very caring and genuinely seems to care about my well-being. its people like that at times when your stomach is sinking that are your saviors, sometimes they save you from yourself. sometimes from others, and sometimes from the world. He’s wonderful. Thankyou Robbie. My love.

Honest truth is, I’m shit with men. I make the same mistakes over and over. I have no idea what to do, how to understand men. How to understand myself and how I feel towards men. But I wholeheartedly love men, and the way they make me feel. Just hope that one day it all makes sence and the maybe oneday one loves me wholeheartedly.

Peace

Power House

Last night me and my friend Sian went to Newcastle to stay with our friend Craig. We got the train up after he’d finished uni and went back to his flat, in halls. And before you know it we were having a few drinks and getting ready to go out which of course resulted in Craig impulsively dying my hair blonder…and my trying to break in my 5.5 inch burlesque heels which I insisted needed a night out.

There was a possibility of seeing Mr Lauren later that night as he was in the city too, which I’ll be honest I was looking forward to. But that didn’t work out, his friends and him went for a meal and a few drinks in the other direction so we decided to just do our own things.

In the first bar there was a charming young man who I  managed to charm a few discount flyers of for the club later, which is always a good thing when your skint. another bar later and after a few dances to Lady Gaga and Avril Lavigne we were ready to go …

We went into Power House and… for the next hour and a half we were the only four in there. Seriously… as lame as it sounds it was pretty fun and it did pick up a lot later but it was good to be able to just leave our bag and shoes and drinks in one place and go crazy and dance with your friends acting drunk without having to worry about your things.

Power House is a gay club… ( Which you would think would equate to less perverts.. not ness ) it was a lot of fun later on watching the guys dance there hearts out to cotton eyed joe ect… I loved it. Not to mention how much i loved dancing with Craig Sian and Daniel I love you all

Peace

Unbearable Guilt

Right now I’m feeling unbearable guilt. I’ve never felt like this before and its all down to a stupid selfish indulgence. I can’t believe I was so stupid.

Theres an amazing man in my life, a man like no other I’ve ever met before,I’ve written about him a lot recently. Mr Lauren. I may have risked what I have with him hugely. Last night my friend had an 18th birthday party and after a few drinks me and a friend kissed. A friend who has a girl friend of a year. So I’m feeling this unbearable pang of guilt in my stomach and throat. The thing is no one knows other than us… were not interested in each other in any way other than that stupid moment of alcohol induced weakness. I’m not about to ruin his relationship with a girl he’s very happy with for nothing other than one moment of weakness.

But I can’t help but feel on some level I’ve betrayed Mr Lauren… I have betrayed him. Were not Boy friend and Girl friend as such, but we have a connection.  I feel physically sick. I feel like I’m not telling the truth by keeping it from him. Just talking to him today on the phone… I feel terrible.

Although nothing good can come of telling Mr Lauren other than him choosing not to be with me, ever. Which right now I can’t help but feel would be the best thing for him.  I don’t like the friend I kisses in any other way other than as a friend… It was just stupid and I have no excuse or reason. I told my friend J about the situation and he insists that I’m not a bad person and that we all make mistakes… But I don’t think that’s true. It’s my fault and I just feel like a terrible person. I really really like Mr Lauren. I can’t stand the thought of what ever we have ending…

It was only a kiss.

What do I do?

I feel terrible and I know I should

I’m sorry

Peace

Belated Valentines…

I havent written in a while.. so here’s the update..

On the 4th of feb I went to see a band called Taking Dawn im not sure if I’ve already written about this but this was an amazing night.  A because they were fucking HOT, B because an absolute ANGEL… threw me on stage… and I’m very proud to say I was the only female up their dancing with the band.. pulling out all the moves I had to offer in my PVC trousers. It was a small venue… but .. great atmosphere… legs were shaking when I came off stage.

Adrenaline much?

Then I spent valentines night with Mr Lauren… He picked me up from the station, took me back to his and had bough me twelve red roses, a cute card and a little teddy, was soo sweet, wasn’t expecting anything. Just wanted to spent time with him.. Not to mention he rememberd my favourite book from out first conversation , Pride and Prejudice. He also bought me a first edition copy.  He loved the book I’d bought him, also which made me very happy. The angel cooked me veal, beautifully not to mentionand we spent the rest of the night drinking champagne and wine  … I’m a truly lucky lady I know.     Never had a man treat me like this before… But we get each other.. we can talk about the world.. our opinions…art.. music.. each other even… its nice to be able to to that.

We’ve been seeing each other regularly, every few days. Things are going good. Possibly too good …

But I won’t think like that.

Even if it ends.. It’s been a beautiful dream and for that Mr Lauren I thank you.

 P.S. I can’t stop watching the Beautiful Dangerous Video… Fuck I want Fergie.. Its sooo wrong but so right… ;D

Peace

The other things right now…

I realise my last two posts have been pretty concentrated on one subject, yes Mr Lauren.  So upon that reflection, I’ll fill you in on a few other things that are happening in my life?

Well this evening I’ve got a driving lesson, this time with another instructor( fingers crossed I pass with this one or at least develop!). So I’m pretty stoked about that because being able to drive can only open doors? I majorly need to book my theory, but what can I say… the thought doesnt excite me?

I applied for another job today, at in a shop called Past Times. It’s a shop that sells old-fashioned things, It should be a job much to my taste, as I have an acquired taste in objects I tend to only like things if they are old or really unique. So keep your fingers crossed for me for that ? I’d very much like a new job, with the possibility for a little more cash so that I can actually afford to run a car once I’ve passed.

What else is going on in my life right now? Hmmm… I’m going to see the band Taking Dawn on friday with Helen which I’m stoked about, really looking forward to the opportunity to dress like a gothic idiot and to mosh my arse off!

A little on Mr Lauren? After I posted last night… I ended up talking on the phone to him for about four and a half hours which is quite a lot considering I’d spent most of the day with him. Well…. I’m happy

Right now seems like a state of equilibrium

Peace